adjustments

1. i am uncertain
2. i am learning
3. i am hoping

always and yet never in the same way.

love.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

-C.S. Lewis

minor epiphany!

I think I discovered something about myself this evening. For a decent chunk of time, I was employed in graphic design (as an aspect of a larger position, but the only aspect applicable to this discussion). Before I accepted this position, I had some reservations. I have always felt that I would end up despising any creative endeavors as a whole if I was to pursue them as a “career”. And, though this actually turned out to not be wholly the case, oftentimes it was the sad reality. I (and I am the one to blame, I believe) began to despise creating on a whole, because it became entwined with deadlines, with expectations, with the standards and visions of others.

This is not at all to say that careers or jobs in the creative industry are deplorable, or even that I would never want one. In fact, I greatly would, but I realize now that it is an area that must be (at least for me) entered with much consideration and caution.

I believe what happened in this instance was that I began to view my artisitic expression and it’s worth merely in terms of utilitarianism. Yes, art can (and very often is) useful. But if the sole purpose of creating it is so that is may BE useful, instead of usefulness being the by-product or secondary goal, I think great problems will arise. For one thing, I think this discourages any advancement in artistic abilities. It seemed to produce that affect upon me. My standard became being a graphic work-horse, instead of an artist who had the privilege of creating art as a job.

That all being said, I still don’t know the solution to this dilemma. As I mentioned, I do not think creative careers are intrinsictally negative or imagination-killers. But, I do know that before I could enter into such a job again, I probably ought to sort this dilemma out a bit. Any thoughts?

p.s. – This evening, I read Addicted to Mediocrity (mentioned a few posts back)… hence, this treatise!

machine à laver

Daily I am realizing how little control I have over my life. The past month, especially, has induced feelings of being in a washing machine – like someone stuck me in there and turned it on, and now I can never quite figure out which way is up or down, or what the heck is going on. Couple what has been going on personally in my life with the state of the world (and especially the economy), and I wonder how anyone can be in doubt of this fact.

It is both an extremely frightening and an extremely freeing and comforting revelation.

I want to really start living in this life I have been given. Stop living in yesterday, lamenting or longing over the past. Stop living in tomorrow, always wondering and anxiously anticipating what will come. Can’t I just live in today?